I LOL-ed and startled someone who was “reading” in the Erotica section

5 01 2009

Oftentimes, when a customer sees the huge line up at Chapters’ front cash, or get an urgent call to go perform emergency heart surgery, or just REALLY wants to ruin my fucking day, they drop whatever books they have collected in their wanderings around the store, and leave them for the dutiful (dutiful but not very cheerful) employees to deal with. I find piles of books abandoned on the floor, on display tables, behind gift products, in Starbucks… basically everywhere except for the sections they actually goddamned originated from. I came across this very interesting stack of books at work the other day, and I literally laughed out loud, abandoned a pile of books that I was shelving (on the floor, haaah), and ran into the back room to take a picture with my cell phone.

Please read the titles from top to bottom. I swear I in no way altered this picture nor the arrangement of the books for the sake of entertainment. Really.



Patrick Stewart

6 09 2008

I just got home from work and I’m hopped up on espresso and I just IMDB-ed and Wikipedia-ed Patrick Stewart, because I’m dragging everyone to come to the Manitoba Museum on Sunday, and he happens to narrate one of the daily Planetarium shows. And breath. Should really have stopped caffinating earlier. Fuck.

In 1993, Patrick Stewart was voted “Most Bodacious” male by US TV Guide.

Patrick Stewart was considered for the role of Willy Wonka in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005).

Patrick Stewart is close friends with Whoopi Goldburg.

“The three things that I am most proud of doing in my life is firstly, “Extras” (2005); secondly, my appearance on “The Simpsons” (1989) and thirdly, appearing on “Sesame Street” (1969).”

Patrick Stewart is 5′ 10″ (1.78 m.

“Having played many roles of scientific intellect,I do have an empathy for that world. It’s been hard on me because flying the Enterprise for seven years in Star Trek and sitting in Cerebro in X-men has led people to believe that I know what I’m talking about. But I’m still trying to work out how to operate the air conditioning unit on my car.” (Sept/Oct 2006, Star Trek Magazine issue #1)

Patrick Stewart has been married and divorced twice.

PatrickĀ  Stewart began to lose his hair at the age of 19.

Patrick Stewart is a big fan of “Doctor Who”, Formula 1 Racing, Monty Python, and the British Labour Party.

Pleasure Party Back-and-forth

21 07 2008

Bryan: So you’re going to Kristi’s sex-party tomorrow, huh?

Me: Pleasure Party. And yes, I am.

Bryan: You mean Sex Toy Party.

Me: Pretty much.

Bryan: So I guess this is the last time I’m going to see you huh…

Me: Probably.

Bryan: Are you going to buy a Rabbit and become a vibrator addicted recluse like Charlotte on Sex and the City?

Me: Probably.

Bryan: Or maybe you’ll buy a big black dildo…

Me: Actually, I think it’s more politically correct to say “Larger than average African-American dildo”

Bryan: Maybe a Smaller Than Average Asian Dildo?

Me: Maybe both!

Bryan: Are you going to…. use your new purchase?

Me: Naaaw, I’m just looking for a new paperweight and I thought that a large rubber penis would match my decor.

Bryan: (looks down) sigh. Its just the two of us again.

Me: Are you talking to your-

Bryan: Yep. Back to jerking off alone in the shower. Never getting laid again.

Me: As long as you have a game plan…

Thats why they call them business socks

31 05 2008

I dare you to watch this and not have it stuck in your head for the rest of your life. I keep listening to the recent Flight of the Conchords album and laugh hysterically from beginning to end. I actually prefer the album version of this song, but the video is pretty fantastic too. If this makes you chortle even a tiny little bit, you should REALLY look into buying/downloading the most recent Flight of the Conchords cd. OR rent/buy/download the first season of their pee-your-pants-a-little-bit-hilarious tv show.

Make sure you let the whole video buffer before playing it — its worth watching uninterrupted.

Other songs worth mentioning:

Ladies of the World

Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros

Motha’ Uckas

Bret, You’ve Got it Goin’ On

Classic Greg vs Emily

23 05 2008


[Leaving Indiana Jones Premiere]

Greg/Bryan: (*$&$)!!!RUW*E(!!!! That was the GREATEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN. I want to DO Steven Speilburg! And Harrison Ford! And Cate Blanchett, even though she was angry and Russian! I LOOOOOVE INDY!

Me: EHh, it was okay.

Greg: Whaaat how can you even SAY that?!

Me: It was mindlessly entertaining. Lots of action, not a lot of logic. When you sit and actually think about things, there were a lot of gaps in the story, or points that didn’t really make sense. Like, “Don’t worry about the big ones, its the little ones that you need to speak up about.. chortle chortle chortle” Fuck off, George Lucas, what do you know about scorpions. Pretty sure ANY scorpion sting wouldn’t be high-five worthy. Stick to Jedis, man. And yeah, sure, toss some Aliens in there. Why not, right? If the story doesn’t make sence in some way, add an alien or two and the audiences will be all “oh, sure, aliens, explains everything, cool…”

Greg: You wanna talk about gaps in the story? Or things that don’t make sence? Fucking HARRY POTTER.

Me: Yeahhh maybe you should READ THE BOOKS like I told you to TWO YEARS AGO. Then, as I’ve mentioned previously, things would make HELLUVA lot more sence.

Greg: Oh, right, because [singsong voice] magic is soooo totally real

Bryan: You two arguing is getting me fully erect. Please, really, don’t stop, theres a very good chance that I’ll get off. Keep arguing. Yeahhhhh…

Me: But..I..didn’t say magic was real? What the hell are you even.. ugh whatever, Greg. The Harry Potter movies are rad, you fucking like them too. They’re BASED ON BOOKS, so clearly, there’ll be movie references to things in the book, that make a million times more sence for people who have READ THEM. Is Indiana Jones based on a book that I can read to fully understand the gaps in storyline? NO.

Greg: Uhhhh actually –

Me: Those are spin-off books, Greg. I worked in a bookstore just like you do, I know there are 400 000 Indiana Jones books. The books are BASED on the CHARACTER depicted in the movie.

Greg: Well how do you know, have you ever actually rea-

Me: Because I’m not retarded, Greg. Thats how I know.

Bryan: Ooh yeah that was a good one. Don’t stop, I’m getting closer. I loooove listening to you two argue all the time. Mmm…

Greg: Well.. fuck. Whatever. I’d like to see you make a better movie than Steven Speilburg and George Lucas.

Me: But.. I didn’t.. claim to be able to? Nor do I ever want to? I barely wanted to make my thesis film this year, let alone make another one, a REAL one. Fuck that noise. Just because I don’t have a raging hard on for mindless action movies like you two do, and just because I happen to be criticizing one made by two of the richest/most powerful men in the industry, doesn’t mean that I think I can do better. Good comeback attempt, though.

Greg: Fucking.. whatever. I don’t even care.

Emily: Uh huh. Whatever. Whaaaaatever. Get better arguing techniques.

Greg: …. … … [sulking]

Bryan: Oh come on now! Don’t stop! I just..I was almost… can we go get drunk now?

Greg/Me: Word.