Catfish.

5 07 2008

So I’m watching Glutton for Punishment right now, on Food Network, and may I just say… Catfish are fucking horrifying. The show is hosted by Bob Blumer, who is absolutely brilliant  — quirky and a little insane, but totally brilliant — who goes around North America doing all kinds of crazy things in the name of food n’ cooking. In this episode, he visits Oklahoma to learn how to catch catfish. Apparently, there is a huge competition each year between all the local “noodlers” (Seriously. Thats what catfish anglers are called. Noodlers. And they say it proudly, without a hint of embarassment. Although they DO live in Oklahoma…) in which the noodlers (*shrug*) can only use their hands to catch the terrifying fish. They wade around in neck deep lakes and rivers, in water that is muddy and impossible to see in, looking for “catfish holes”. Apparently, catfish like to hang out in holes underwater. What do they do down there? No idea, maybe gather in small groups to play bridge. Maybe not. But whatever the fish are doing, noodlers (yeah I’m still uncomfortable saying that casually) prod into their holes with sticks, to ensure the catfish are around, and then they dive into the muddy water and STICK THEIR HANDS INTO THE HOLE UNTIL THE CATFISH BITES IT, at which point they get as firm of a grasp on the INSIDE OF THE monster FISHES MOUTH and somehow wrestle it out of said hole at which point the noodler’s team tie a lasso around the fish and they drag it kicking and screaming to shore. What. The fuck.

There must be a better way to catch catfish than sticking your own goddamned hand into a murky hole and wrestling with a fish that could probably kick your ass on dry land, no to mention underwater aka on its home turf. Did I mention that the noodlers (…) have to HOLD THEIR BREATH THE WHOLE TIME BECAUSE THEY’RE UNDERWATER!?!?!!?! For Christ’s sake. Isn’t there some sort of rubber bait that you can use? Maybe a rubber hand? How many people have lost fingers just so some big city chef could make a snooty overpriced appetizer?!

To be fair, not all catfish are as retardedly enormous as the first two pictures. But seriously, even this “average sized” catfish is pretty goddamned big. It could probably eat me and nonchalantly return to its bridge game.

I don’t even remember what the point of this entry was. Iron Chef is on now, and there is a NEW (!!!) Iron Chef. Plus the challenger is kindof… young and dreamy. PLUS its Battle: Chocolate Redux. Mmmm.

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One response

5 07 2008
greg2point0

Another confirmation of why I don’t eat meat: I’ve never had to wrestle down a bean curd.

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