My idea of Hell

In a recent issue of Geek Magazine there is an article about the writing team’s idea of Hell. They describe Hell’s music selection, Hell’s leisure wear, and Hell’s Footwear (“In hell, you are forced to wear Crocs. Sure, they’re comfortable, but everyone you meet says, “Wow! your shoes look like the result of a Rubbermaid gardening implement raping a pair of orthopedic Birkenstocks. And in bright fuchsia, no less! You must be the most stylish kid on the short bus!”). One of my personal favourites of Geek Magazine’s imagined Hell: The Films of Baz Lurhmann (“Hell is a never-ending series of surreal, sweaty caricatures sticking their fish-eye-lensed faces into your personal space and screaming out in orchestrated medley’s of songs you used to like before they became post-tramatic stress triggers”) SO. Without further ado, here is my list of Hellishness, which I may or may not be adding to later.

Music Choices

Any form of music (songs, radio, sing-a-longs) will sound as though they’re being played at 3x speed. Your ringtone, favourite BeeGees album, and commercial jingles will ALL be comparable to the Hamster Dance song.

Clocks

Every clock in Hell will show a different time and you’d better believe there is no reset option. Some will be off by just a few minutes, others by an hour or more. You can try to figure out which one is correct, but why bother?

Personalized Temperature Range

Whoever said that Hell is a world of fire and brimstone? Jesus? Pfah. Hell is multi-faceted. If you prefer summertime heat to wintertime chills, your personalized temperature range will be in the negatives. Like to stay cool? Hellfire and brimstone for you. Forever.

Dating

Everyone needs a little lovin’, even in Hell. And since you’ll be stuck there for all of eternity, some company (in the bedroom, perchance?) would be nice. The problem, however, is that whatever your sexual orientation was when you were alive (on Earth or what have you), you can ONLY date the opposite. Straight? You’d better find yourself a same-sex lova-lovah. Into dudes? Too bad, its vag-time. There IS a third option, if you’re brave enough to take it: sheep. Yes. Really.

Beverages

You know that feeling of surprise when you take a sip from a cup, fully expecting it to be one thing and it turns out to be something completely different? You expected iced tea but really it was orange juice? Very off-putting. This is what similar to what drinking in Hell is like. You can never really get what you want, in fact, you usually get the complete opposite. Craving a cold beer? You’ll get a lukewarm, watery glass of Earl Grey tea. Order a rum & coke from the bartender only to have him bring you a gin & tonic. Speaking of alcohol, the only kind of beer they have in Hell is Crest. And it isn’t 10% alcohol — its 2%.

Signs

There are no labels in hell, just like there are no street signs, or stick people on the mens/womens bathrooms. This makes it next to impossible to give directions, and makes every trip to the washroom a fun/awkward adventure. Grocery shopping is, well, hellish, because none of the products are labeled, and whats worse: products might not be in the container you’d expect. The nondescript tin can might be filled with grean beans, or possibly cat food. The yellow liquid in the clear glass bottle probably isn’t apple juice. What appears to be salt & vinegar chips is actually the dreaded dill pickle variety. Gross. Just try to plan your next meal…

Footwear

If you’re a man-type, the only style of shoes available to you are these ones:

Ladies, you’re in luck. Try pairing these with your favourite mini skirt (only available in size 11)

T.V.

There is nothing good on TV. Ever. One channel shows endless Frasier reruns. Another has exactly three episodes of Full House — not three consecutive episodes, three randomly chosen episodes that span all 8 seasons. Every six months or so, there is a 19 minute window in which you can pick up a very staticy episode of Match Game 76′ – but only if you have the rabbit ears positioned juuuuust right.